0 ruminations / augmentations
04.08.05 | 23:02
So I'm experiencing the joy and anguish of a polyamorous relationship. FMF for those who are curious.
Where to even begin. Ah, yes, three months ago. Three months ago, on bondage.com (aha, I feel your moment of recognition) I met what proved to be a wonderful dominant sadistic man who had in his care a lovely, devoted and giving slave. They were looking for a third.
I said "Why the fuck not, more sex for all" and proceeded to engage in communications with these two.
So, like, two weeks later I'm in love with him. We've gotten really hot and heavy one-on-one and all together and it was all wonderful. I really enjoyed his and her company. I began to really love her to, though it hasn't travelled to the depths of IN love, yet.
All this time, I'm fully aware that these two plan to get married in the not-so-distant future. It didn't faze me much at the time. I could see it was a necessary step for her to ever devote her time to him 24-7 as her parents were hugely conservative Catholics and the way she was raised it was amazing she was as kinky as she was (or maybe not). Plus, I was looking for committed play partners but not relationships committed on a deep emotional level and I figured I would come and go as I please and fuck whoever I wanted to as long as I was safe.
Time passes. I fall in love more. I sign a contract with him where I agree to give him a mutually satisfactory degree of control over myself and my body. The collar is pending.
I think about the marriage the future holds from time to time and wince and cringe and even get a little weepy and generally try not to look at it too closely, hoping that time and mutual love will give me the strength of emotion I'll need to see it through and be supportive to both of them.
Time passes, her and I decide to write a lovely dedication to each other and exchange token rings, so we plan thusly.
He expresses concern about what finger this ring will rest on. It can't be her ring finger as an engagement ring will grace that eventually and it wouldn't do for her parents to think the ring I gave her was an engagement ring from him and to scrutinize it too closely and wonder what it means (as they are very conservative all this is hush-hush before them).
The reality of a future marriage and wedding plans comes crashing down on my head and I fall apart, wanting to throw things, break things, cut myself, scream my head off, tear my eyes out and be generally destructive, incoherent and irrational. My reaction is to promptly sit on it as hard as I can. But I can't really. It's in my future and you can't hide from your future. It hasn't arrived yet but it will and it will always find you right?
So now I'm at an impasse. I can't leave. I love these people too much. But watching them marry each other and feeling utterly left out will just hurt too much. I'm not sure how to handle this. He wants us all to sit down and talk about what I will need from them in order to continue feeling an important part of this relationship after the deed is done but I can't even think that discerningly, all I know is the only way I can see for it to be all better is for it not to happen and that won't happen. It means too much to her and will make it so much easier for her to be with him the way she wants in a way respectable by her parents standards (what her family thinks still means a lot to her---she's young). So it lies to me to work this out in my head and come to a place with my two special people where I can handle their exchange of wedding vows like a civilized human being with their best interest at heart.
And I have to wonder if I have it in me.