D*Land Exile

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22.01.06 | 21:16
this is really for no one else but me; an effort to feel less conflicted.
i met this guy who had a girl. we tried to make it work, the three of us. his girl was too pathetic for me to endure. all she could be was be a little girl, there was no respecting her or taking her seriously.
but with him, i felt the strong possibility of being able to share my life.
i broke up with her because i couldn't love her and barely respected her. that's not somebody you stay with.
he couldn't dump her despite admitting there was plenty of reason to.
at the time i felt guilty, i pitied her in her position and didn't want her getting more hurt and didn't want to be the one to push him to hurt her further.
but in my attempt to spare her more pain, i was the one who got hurt.
he stayed with her and more and more i realized i couldn't stay with him while he was with her because she was in effect still a part of my life and i wanted so strongly to be definitively separated from her. more and more i viewed her and her actions or lack of action with disgust and disdain.
more and more i felt the need to remove myself from his life to avoid her and this filled me with pain because i didn't want him out of my life and i didn't want to be out of his.
i broke up with him and got back together with him and couldn't find a way to make it work without being further confronted with the fact that he was trying to make a future with someone i couldn't bear to be with. in effect, his future with her meant no future with me.
this devastated me. i felt i'd given so much of myself during our relationship. all she hadn't given and more. yet the 'poor little girl' got to keep him.
during this time i sought out new partners and friends and found a couple people to interest me but no one who could replace him or make their own place in my heart so big as to crowd him out.
some brief time passed and i realized i had to be stronger and leave him or be relegated to being the drama btwn him and her. because every particle of me wanted to disrupt this happy future he was trying to create for himself that would inevitably exclude me and i felt that wasn't worthy of me. but i hated having to be stronger. i hated it so much. i felt it was unfair that i had to be without him in order to let him be happy because the poor little girl couldn't make her own goddamned way in the world.
i said i would just be friends with him. that maybe then my heart could let him go.
gods i hate her being with him so much. i hope to gods that she falls flat on her face and doesn't manage to fulfill his final ultimatum to her. what has she done to deserve her place? i pushed myself further than she ever did, i sincerely tried to fulfill the demands he made that she simply disregarded. gods, i want to shove a boot so far up her ass. get out of his life you pathetic little cunt, you don't even know your own fucking mind. you suck as a girlfriend and as a slave, you and your simpering platitudes and your codependence, your inability to grow up, your stinking cowardice. you couldn't stick up for yourself is someone shoved a rod up your ass, couldn't grow a spine if you had a mutant alien fetus growing out of your back, you snivelling doormat of a human being.
so i'm bitter.
i love him and i can't have him on terms that i can be at peace with. i may not even be comfortable being with him again with what he's searching for. i hate the fact that he held onto her like she was some fucking prize. well no he admitted that she wasn't. it was a fucking sense of obligation and his own love for her. lord knows how you can love someone with such low self-esteem. it's so goddamned annoying being in close proximity with someone who thinks so little of themselves.
so here i am. i don't want him out of my life. i've hoped and thought for months now of sharing my life with him and love him so much i can't imagine him gone from my life. but in order to be content to let him have his life with this stupid little twit, i need to remove him from my life and myself from his. i need to move on.
gods, it's so hard. it hurts so bad. and it's harder to do than it's ever been before because i felt truly for the first time that i could have a life with him. he's the first person i wanted to bring home to my parents -that- way.
i let him fuck me the other day, first because he wanted it, then because i wanted it. i'm not sure if i regret it now. i knew it would get me all emo later so i guess i do regret it because of that. i hate that she gets all these status things when she's been so lame. she gets married to him... her family doesn't know shit about any of the perversities involved or any third parties... it's so fucking unfair; it pisses me off so much. too much, thus the need to remove myself. i hate this situation so much.
i'm off to stab my eyeballs out.
0 ruminations / augmentations

04.08.05 | 23:02
So I'm experiencing the joy and anguish of a polyamorous relationship. FMF for those who are curious.

Where to even begin. Ah, yes, three months ago. Three months ago, on bondage.com (aha, I feel your moment of recognition) I met what proved to be a wonderful dominant sadistic man who had in his care a lovely, devoted and giving slave. They were looking for a third.

I said "Why the fuck not, more sex for all" and proceeded to engage in communications with these two.

So, like, two weeks later I'm in love with him. We've gotten really hot and heavy one-on-one and all together and it was all wonderful. I really enjoyed his and her company. I began to really love her to, though it hasn't travelled to the depths of IN love, yet.

All this time, I'm fully aware that these two plan to get married in the not-so-distant future. It didn't faze me much at the time. I could see it was a necessary step for her to ever devote her time to him 24-7 as her parents were hugely conservative Catholics and the way she was raised it was amazing she was as kinky as she was (or maybe not). Plus, I was looking for committed play partners but not relationships committed on a deep emotional level and I figured I would come and go as I please and fuck whoever I wanted to as long as I was safe.

Time passes. I fall in love more. I sign a contract with him where I agree to give him a mutually satisfactory degree of control over myself and my body. The collar is pending.

I think about the marriage the future holds from time to time and wince and cringe and even get a little weepy and generally try not to look at it too closely, hoping that time and mutual love will give me the strength of emotion I'll need to see it through and be supportive to both of them.

Time passes, her and I decide to write a lovely dedication to each other and exchange token rings, so we plan thusly.

He expresses concern about what finger this ring will rest on. It can't be her ring finger as an engagement ring will grace that eventually and it wouldn't do for her parents to think the ring I gave her was an engagement ring from him and to scrutinize it too closely and wonder what it means (as they are very conservative all this is hush-hush before them).

The reality of a future marriage and wedding plans comes crashing down on my head and I fall apart, wanting to throw things, break things, cut myself, scream my head off, tear my eyes out and be generally destructive, incoherent and irrational. My reaction is to promptly sit on it as hard as I can. But I can't really. It's in my future and you can't hide from your future. It hasn't arrived yet but it will and it will always find you right?

So now I'm at an impasse. I can't leave. I love these people too much. But watching them marry each other and feeling utterly left out will just hurt too much. I'm not sure how to handle this. He wants us all to sit down and talk about what I will need from them in order to continue feeling an important part of this relationship after the deed is done but I can't even think that discerningly, all I know is the only way I can see for it to be all better is for it not to happen and that won't happen. It means too much to her and will make it so much easier for her to be with him the way she wants in a way respectable by her parents standards (what her family thinks still means a lot to her---she's young). So it lies to me to work this out in my head and come to a place with my two special people where I can handle their exchange of wedding vows like a civilized human being with their best interest at heart.

And I have to wonder if I have it in me.

0 ruminations / augmentations
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