D*Land Exile

i'm going to start a diaryring for lovers of james'....jameseses....uh, people who love james'....people who love person(s) named james. blah.

so. if you feel an ocean's-depth of emotion for a man (or woman) named james (not that i think many women are named james, but hey you never know) i encourage you to join me in proclaiming it to the world. or at least all of diaryland.

and heck, if you're a james you can join too!

well, don't know about you, but i do. and why? they're the people who are closest to us, the ones we have to live with. yet we will seek out other people, sometimes strangers, to share our deepest intimacies with. i certainly confide to my friends more than---wait, i never confide to family.

but maybe some distance is necessary when you have so much history, when you're confined so closely.

i don't know. sometimes it boggles my mind that i choose to make such strangers of my family. the thought of revealing to them what i freely reveal here makes me feel hot and squirmy inside. eek.

and then i remember the reaction i know i'd get if i did. and i know why i put up a wall.

because they're so close. so intimate. they can't respect your differences as they would that of a stranger or acquaintance. or even a friend. kind of a catch twenty-two.

that bites.

that's what sleep deprivation does to you.

but its exhilirating too! gods, when was the last time i felt so driven??!! not due to external forces but solely through my own will and desire?!

so the price i must pay for this rhapsodising is the feeling that i'm living in a bubble or a parallel dimension.

it does drive the lonely point home when i can't share
this with my friends as soon as i can stick a fork in it!

-sighs- they're all at work or school...-droops a little-

(btw, yes, i'm aware of how crappy geocities is. think of it as a temporary holding place. soon you'll be seeing it [or something like it] at http://oedalis.com. doesn't that sound cool! -hops with barely contained excitement-

mind, its not there yet, but it will be soon. SOON!!! muhahaha!!!

-ahem- back to your regular broadcasting.)

so anyway it would be nice to get immediate, unbiased feedback on stuff like that! i mean for me, its my baby, i'm bound to have a blind spot regarding it.

and i have all these ideas in my head! there's this free online art gallery i want to put up. that's still in the rougher stages. i don't know, do you have any experience regarding that? the concept thrills me, but i want to be capable of pulling it off, i need resources, leads...there's so much more to learn...

-sighs- i know nothing.

i have just witnessed myself as i sat in front of this computer all day, all evening, all night, all morning, and now to afternoon, without sleep, reading about other people's lives. their passion, their boredom, their angst and pain, their silliness, their craziness, their confusion, their sympathy, their honesty. their love and hate.

these are people who are very real and immediate.

am i going link crazy? go! check out this wonderful-wonderful place for yourself.

but i can't seem to make myself go to bed either. even though i stopped being productive a couple hours ago.

but i love this freedom. no job right now. no worry about money. just putting all my energy into learning the kinds of new things i've wanted to know for so fucking long. i feel myself accomplishing so much in so little time.

my eyes feel like hard-boiled eggs.

but i kind of like feeling this time too. silence is the closest most comforting thing and its so quiet its like the world has stopped except for a few secret stirrings. it lends the illusion of a fragile intimacy. something that might easily be made awkward by a sudden rude noise ..... then silence will close around it again like dark water. its a comfy thought.

egh, hate waking up with keyboard marks on my face. must have soft, fluffy pillow. must have bed. mmmm, bed.

i love my abuelita. please don't misunderstand that. but she's another manifestation of that phenomenon we all experience the displeasure of.

family.

along with family comes guilt and unwanted obligations and hideous generalizations and ugly gossip. and of course family feuds.

but back to my abuelita. first of all, she asks questions. about everything. even those that have obvious answers. i will sit down next to her eating something, let's say...oatmeal--i'm eating oatmeal. you can't mistake oatmeal for anything other than what it is. nonetheless she will ask me what i'm eating. if i don't answer right away, she will repeat the question. it's no use to ignore her, for then she will ask me if i'm deaf. i try not to be rude to her because she's my elder. she deserves my respect for reaching the ripe old age of 75 alive and intact, for the most part.

another thing is the smell. why do all old people smell? why? everytime she visits her seniority demands my sister sleep on the couch and give up her room. and everytime the room needs to be...disinfected afterwards---exorcised of the rank smell of stale urine.

i also believe she is going deaf. or maybe she just can't modulate her voice. she wakes up at six am and yells like there's a freeway running through our living room.

but the thing i can't stand the most is the way she will treat me like a child of five. my mother will follow her lead on this. if there's one thing i can't tolerate it is people discussing me as if i am not in the room. ever notice that only children are treated this disrespectfully? it is because adults perceive them to be irrelevant. they don't matter. they have no say.

i hate that. i am not meat to be prodded and hashed over.

so she has left and i breathe my sigh of relief. only distance can bring peace.

when i make my home somewhere else it will be far away from my family.

*** wow...i just found this...my grandmother died this past july. dear gods hindsight. curse or blessing?

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