in passing...
metazannah
oubliette
little.yellow.different
deviantART
nobody here
diarytag
r-e-v-i-e-w
THE
NON-DIARYRING
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09.04.02 | 20:49
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its the witching hour that always gets me.
three o' clock is the loneliest fucking hour.
mainly 'cause i'm all alone.
for someone who craves so much social interaction, my schedule is pretty fucking anti-social.
so when the witching hour rolls around, and the world is unconscious around me, i get stuck here.
talking to you.
actually, i usually get stuck chatting with all the people on the other side of the world who are just waking up or getting home from work.
what i really need to do is eliminate the time i spend sleeping. if i could just manage that, i would get so much more done.
unfortunately, i have a tough time arguing with my body when it wants to haul off to bed.
actually, my body always wins the argument hands down as i am too drained to debate for long and i find i don't care about shit when suffering from sleep deprivation.
and then it becomes a race to get to my bed before my mind hits me with the blue-screen-of-death and i pass out.
hah! if people just searched for that phrase, 'sleep deprivation', they would get so many hits on this site.
tonight i take care of a little DHTML matter i have.
hmm...i almost feel productive again.
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1 ruminations / augmentations
08.04.02 | 22:38
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i so need to go.
i've got to get shit done.
got to get my priorities in order.
so why am i still here?
the sad fact is i've fallen victim to my addiction to...
DIARYLAND!!!
i said to myself,"its not gonna happen to me".
look at me!
i'm checking my stats, notes, email, and the chatrooms, every hour!
i am sickened at my lack of foresight and self-knowledge.
after years of knowing my social-addictive nature (i'm a hopeless fanatic, just get me going) i let myself fall into this trap that has been well-documented by so many!
maybe i should start a new ring---diarists anonymous?---to help people like me kick the habit and get a real life.
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3 ruminations / augmentations
07.04.02 | 23:55
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hey you!
keep it down.
i'm blissing here.
yeah, that's right.
one look into those strange blue eyes and the world was a wonderful place again.
i'm so easy.
work had been hammering him lately. i could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.
and even though i knew it was years too late and James is used to the high-pressure environment (nay, he thrives on it) i still felt like wrapping him up, like something fragile and precious, and keeping him safe in a quiet, restful place.
hah! in reality this probably won't happen until he's safe in his quiet, restful grave.
so we ate, talked and walked. he put his hand under my shirt and we body pressed as if to say, "i love you", "i miss you so much", and "when can we fuck?"
we talked about building a big, dynamic, database driven web-site together, which excites and intimidates me. that we're doing it together thrills me also. James is one of the most brilliant people i know.
so then we mosied on over to his place and i layed him back on his bed and just looked at him.
he's so beautiful.
beautiful, high cheekbones. beautiful, long blue eyes with equally long, gingery-brown eyelashes. adorable tiny freckles dotting his eyelids. beautiful long hair, black to brown with beautiful natural blond streaks.
just beautiful.
i sound miserably insipid but...
ugh, gawds! i love this man!
after worshipping him with my eyes, i took out his cock and did all the evil things i wanted to do to him.
its amazing how a good fuck can improve your outlook.
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0 ruminations / augmentations
06.04.02 | 23:19
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i need to change myself.
maybe i'll get a haircut. hair is an easy thing to change.
i always feel this way when i'm sad or unhappy.
no wonder my hair never gets a chance to grow out.
i saw james online earlier so i messaged him. i invited him to discuss our plans tomorrow on sunday.
(i'd post the conversation here, but i was upset enough to close the message window a couple times and MSN doesn't keep a log. anywhere. so you'll have to be satisfied with my recreation.)
he replied,"sure". and then paused for so long, i wondered if he'd left the room.
me: i welcome your input.
him: what do you want to know?
me: what time are we meeting?
-he pauses-
him: 4ish
-pause from me-
i'm thinking to myself, "migods, he knows that my parents don't like me travelling far due to my history of automobile accidents--much less doing the forty-five minute drive to long beach and not coming home until after dark"
me: no
him: well what did you have in mind then?
me: i was thinking around the time i usu. come over give or take a few hours at your convenience.
him: when do you usually come over?
-i pause-
how many times have i driven my ass up there to see him during the past year and a half? always arriving and departing at almost the same hour? i could have kicked him.
me: usually, i get there around 12 and leave around 4.
him: ok.
on my end, where he couldn't hear it, i sighed defeatedly. i could already tell by his thoughtless replies that he wasn't with me. his mind was at work. fuck.
this isn't the entirety of the conversation but it kind of continues in the same spirit along the same vein.
if this was what it was going to be like tomorrow, i really wasn't up for it. i'd rather not see him for another miserable two weeks than deal with his mental non-presence. he could be the coldest son-of-a-bitch when his mind was on work.
i love this man. i just don't understand him. and sometimes that leaves me feeling hurt and unhappy.
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0 ruminations / augmentations
05.04.02 | 17:51
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friendships are important.but so is satisfying your sexual urges. i'm writing this as my best friend and her fiancee, also a friend are fucking on the very couch i'm sitting on. this is an interesting situation because he's trying to get me involved. usually i would, too. but at the moment, while he's grabbing my tits, i need to worry about uploading an asp file, a few xml files and an access database to my brinkster account and getting them all to work together for my XML class before six o' clock. it is now five-thirty. this happens every time i'm here. not when i come to visit her. we just hang, been friends for a years now. okay, sure a little fondling happens on occasion but its more affectionate than sexual. but there are other times when he comes home. he has a thing for lesbian sex and, like most guys, likes the idea of having more than one girl available to 'pleasure' him. that makes him sound like he's a lecherous bastard but he's not. he's very decent and sweet and he treats my friend well and is an excellent match for her in all respects. and i enjoy the sexual play. i like watching their bodies move, watching them get off together. i like being played with too. but sometimes, i wish that we could all just hang like we used to.
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4 ruminations / augmentations
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