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23.04.02 | 16:43
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something i think would help me move my ass and accomplish all the stuff i so desperately want to accomplish (just not desperately enough to move), is if i had a friend to....push? encourage? cajole me through it?i need conversation! i got lonely yesterday morning/the night before last and went on to CX to find someone to be chatty with. i was pleasantly surprised when five or more patrons stopped to visit me at my spot. i was taken off guard when they all started sending me suggestive instant messages on the sly. that was entertaining for a while but it wasn't quite what i was looking for. sadly, i actually spend so much time staring at this screen and generally being a lazy good-for-nothing (the truth hurts, i never thought i'd be the type to be sitting at home six months after graduating college) that i haven't seen my flesh-and-blood friends in weeks. i feel lost. again.
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2 ruminations / augmentations
22.04.02 | 13:09
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AACCKKK!!AAACCKKK!!!AAAAACCKCKK!!!-gasps quietly- i'm going to drown, i'm going to suffocate in this mess i've made for myself. don't say it. i know what you're thinking. 'omigod, Oedalis has turned into one of those freak-suicidal-diary-people-who-should-put-themselves-out-of-their-misery-but-don't-types!' hmm, okay the hyphens were a bit much, but you'll be relieved to hear that i haven't! i'm just a little overwhelmed right now---overwhelmed enough to go for someone's throat with a knife. or-or-or ...just sit. and stare. and become this statue of mushy immobility... so, really, i guess you could say i've turned into one of those freak-homicidal-schizos-who-could-snap-at-any-moment-and-put-other-people-out-of-their-misery-but-haven't-yet-types... i can feel all of these obligations piling up against me. i feel like i'll fall and crunch under them like rice krispy squares. snap. crackle. pop. and the thing is, i chose to do all of this. the six classes a week. every web project i said 'yes' to. and everytime i sit down to get something done, i'm instantly distracted. its like a curse...once i escape the hypnotic powers of the tv, there's diaryland to suck me back. i tried avoiding this place for a couple days hoping i'd get something done. i so didn't. i don't even know where my time went---its like the weekend that never happened from the Twilight Zone or something. on top of this is the mounting pressure to find paying work that's actually relevant to my degree... sometimes i feel like i'll never be a free and independent woman. well...independent anyway.
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0 ruminations / augmentations
19.04.02 | 15:59
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i can feel my guts roil around like clouds in bad, stormy weather.i feel a little nervous and discouraged. on tuesday after writing about my aborted attempt at a job interview, i logged on to CitizenX to relax and chat a little. while chatting, a couple of the users took a peek at my weblog and consoled me on the whole ordeal. one, asked if i'd ever worked with WAP and SMS. well, i hadn't but i was more than willing to learn! so he sent me links to tutorials, links to software, example stuff, and generally did more towards leading me in the right direction than just pointing me there (which was very appreciated). and now--- and now, here i am, three days later. i've looked at the stuff and it is so like XML (because WML is an application of XML) that i know i'll have no trouble working with it. but i have yet to hear anything further from him. no answer to my last email (which admittedly i only sent two days ago, and he's probably one of those busy people who can't check their email every day), so i sent him another today, sounding a little more desperate of course. incongruously, i feel like i went out on a nice date where you expect a call back and you don't get one! y'know, that....stood-up-feeling. so, if you happen to be reading this now---please let me know what happens next? pretty please? even, if you've changed your mind and nothing happens next, i'd like to know (albeit it'll be disappointing, 'cause i was all excited and looking forward to it). its still better than the anxious not knowing. -sighs- i need ice cream.
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