D*Land Exile

eek!
diaryland, i did not leave because i don't love you! i swear these past months i did almost never touch a computer.
i've been busy.

okay!
so i'm not selling anything anymore. now i'm helping to kick people out of their homes!
don't give me that dirty look! they're unworthy people--honest! they've stopped paying their mortgage and are expecting to get their cake and eat it too. don't worry--they have months of notice in advance to try and negotiate something with their lenders.

so....
how many of you out there are dissatisfied with your reality?
heh, i am. i have frequently found myself staring off into space wishing my world were different, of late. life just feels so hopelessly mundane. maybe i've just been watching too much T.V. of late--y'know, people on T.V. always seem to have purpose...there's always a point to their little one hour adventure. i don't know...i can't help wishing there was more...meaning, i guess.

i feel aimless...i wish i had the strength of personality and purpose that all those successful people i keep reading about have.
maybe what i'm really looking for is a new connection. a new person to meet and find fascinating.

am i a twit for being so dissatisfied?

look upon me and know that i have no social life. oh, i meet people all the time through work and part of my job is to socialize with them, but i haven't quite got the knack of being relaxed and myself while at the same time selling my product, no matter how much i believe in it.

my own special pleasure still lies with messing about on the computer, altho' these days that means my laptop which has no ready internet connection. puttering around with designs and graphics---by the way painted fish i'm almost done with your design! about time, eh? yeah, i'll have to send it your way to get your stamp of approval. in fact, since i know you probably don't read this, let me drop you a line now.

okay, that's done.

am i the kind of person who lets opportunity pass her by? i worry that i am. i worry that i may semi-subconsciously expect to be handed a job i love, because with those expectations, i'll never get it. i worry that i'm not technically skilled or prepared enough to handle the expectations that will be had of me.

or maybe i just worry too much.

rigt now my biggest worry is financial and boy i wish i didn't have that albatross slung around my neck.

i want to be free of worry. i want to take risks. but i don't want to die trying.

and maybe that's why i'm not getting where i want to be.

you see them heading my entry now.

hah, they cost me my last entry, which was erased when i activated them---might as well use them now.

so i had so much fun spending my money that now i'm broke. again.

but i'm all too familiar with that vague, quiet desperation and the compulsive frugality that go hand in hand with recurring financial insecurity, so i'm good. i guess.

so they say time is money. well, there seems to be something to this, so maybe they know what their talking about--for while i am painfully lacking in funds its no wonder then that i find my time slipping away--these last few weeks just rocketed by me. where did my time go?!

i'd just resurfaced from my two-job stint while doing eleven credits in evening courses and i swore i would devote my self and time to my blog the way it deserves.

i lied like a rug.

i can't even devote my time to other deserving things like my portfolio (both on and off line) or my special projects or any of the other little things i keep meaning to do but never get around to.

another one of those things that makes me feel like a bum-loser.

grrr...diaryland is starting to make me grumpy.

i go away now.

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