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04.10.02 | 17:40
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it wasn't so bad. damn, it was fucking painless! and i think we both get what we wanted. woo-hoo! i'm free and single now guys and gals! *wink-wink*damn. my....mom has been giving me the silent treatment for almost two weeks now. this behavior is very unlike her. i honestly don't remember the details of the exchange, it was early and in the morning i'm more preoccupied with gathering the pieces of my personality and just trying to think coherently--and get to work on time, since i'm about to be late! she had come in to wake me, groggy and grumpy as i was. i remember that much. and then i think she was trying to dress me. but i didn't want her to! i mean, my gods i'm not a kid anymore. i told her that i didn't want her help, that i could do it myself. i mean she was really hovering--she was practically trying to pick out my underwear! and i think i'm like "no! out!" and she got so offended. it surprised me, but it was early enough and i was grouchy enough that i shrugged it off and went to work. i'm told she cried later. i didn't see, so all i know is what i'm told. she cried and called me a mean bitch (which is also very unlike her). i'd made her cry. oh gods... i swear, i wasn't intentionally rude! but even telling this woman, "please, leave me alone" or "i want to be alone right now" offends her! i didn't feel guilty. i felt the whole situation had been blown completely out of proportion. especially, when my father came over and yelled at me for a solid 30 minutes about how i thought i could do anything just because i was working that mediocre job and that he didn't care about what happened to me and that if i acted up again, he'd kick me out. he made me feel like a worthless punk hoodlum and he wouldn't let me say anything in my defense or---or anything at all. i was sullen and angry after that and in no mood for apologies or guilt. she was silent and i was equally silent. the lectures my younger sister dealt me about how i should apologize and wasn't i sorry and don't i care, she's my mother--which quickly degenerated into fights and arguments--just weren't helping. until she said one thing. she'd been busy telling me how petty i was and how i was an ungrateful brat and a bunch of other shit that just made me want to close my ears to her (which i did unsuccessfully, for that last caught my attention) and i responded that i hadn't asked for anything and i didn't want anything from them. and she says to me, "that's stupid! that's like saying i didn't ask to be born" which is totally true, but i didn't tell her that then and i may never because she likes gloating too much for her own good. urg. my body is way too sensitive to my emotional mood swings. i need to spit up now. maybe i should write a letter of apology to my....mom. i really am sorry i hurt her, (although, honestly, i don't mind the silence too much) and i would like this off my head. the whole thing makes me feel like shit. i don't want to move out with this whole thing between us. i want to leave on neutral terms. then i'm free. three months is stretching into forever.
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